Rejection & Self-Acceptance (Wisdom of the 12-Steps)

Bottom line: In the end, acceptance is an inside job.

We won't get acceptance from everyone. We don't always get acceptance from those whom we wish to get it. However, there are those who will accept us and we need to be prepared to seek them out, which may take effort. In the long run, we need to accept ourselves, though we may need others to believe in us before we can believe in ourselves.

For those stuck and suffering a self-destructive cycle of behavior, emotional pain and trauma, 12-Step support groups provide an atmosphere of acceptance, and a safe platform to overcome the wreckage in our lives. Professional support through counseling/therapy provides the same. Both have complimentary ultimate goals: relief of destructive behavioral patterns, psychological health/emotional balance and better relationships.

We've all been rejected or will be rejected in some form or fashion. Big rejections, little rejections, loud or silent rejections, head-on or sideways, obvious or obscured.

I'll use an analogy of myself as a writer. Above and beyond the usual rejections that I receive in life, I live with rejection as a result of my selfish reason to have others read what I’ve written. I have a deep seated desire to create, connect and pass along ideas through writing.

Running the gauntlet of rejection is a necessity for a writer. Rejection of a proposed book. Rejection of a submitted article. If a written rejection does come after a submission, it’s usually weeks or months afterward. And if a written response is sent, it may be: No, thank you; or, Your piece isn’t a good fit at this time. Otherwise, there's dead silence. Nothing, nada, zilch. Anything short of acceptance doesn't feel good, though a written rejection is at least an acknowledgment. But that’s the nature of the biz. Little did I suspect the amount of rejection I'd face, when I started thinking, I’ll write and get it published. Ha, famous last words! And it isn't that editors are inconsiderate individuals. They're just inundated with submissions, so they can't and won't respond in writing to every submission. And a writer gets disabused early on that an editor will provide feedback about improving something written/submitted. Regardless of the form the rejection takes, impostor syndrome, the common self-doubt enemy within many writers, lurks in the shadows. Thoughts emerge like I can't write or that piece will never be published. I’ve heard actors on TV talk shows admit to experiencing impostor syndrome. I suspect many people across a wide variety of professions experience it.

In addition to grappling with imposter syndrome, every writer needs an audience. But if a writer doesn't already have an audience, or a large enough one, say through fame, then they need to build one. And I fall into the not famous category. No ifs, ands, or buts, it then boils down to marketing. That is, putting it all out there. I need to market my brand, my message, my book, blah, blah, blah. Again, that’s the nature of the biz.

Social media is an obvious place to build an audience, though froth with competition and potential rejection. Needless to say, I think, I've encountered people on social media who are demeaning and willing to hurl vile. I suspect everyone encounters that at some point. There’s always someone ready to p*** on your ideas or feelings, or the fact that you're breathing their air. I work to avoid those people as best I can, knowing that sifting through the dirt and rubble may be required to find the empathetic, supportive souls out there who want to read my work.

Though, I don't attend a support group to deal with my writer's rejection, I have and do utilize feedback from other writers in critique groups and writer's conferences. I take those opportunities to hone my material, learn the ins and outs of writing craft and inoculate myself regarding further submission rejection. Those attending 12-Steps support group are doing much the same regarding utilizing support from like-minded individuals to hone their better selves and reduce their destructive behavior.

When I face rejection, I've learned I need to take personal responsibility for my reaction (Step 10), though I'm not perfect. I work to avoid an unhelpful trip to Rantville. I take a breath and remember that my reaction to others’ rejection of my ideas, or whatever, is my trip, all my trip, and nothing but my trip. More importantly, their reaction of me is their trip. I may want their acceptance, but I need to sleep with myself every night, and that's what really counts in the long run.

With that, I continue along my healing journey and chosen path.

Hint: look closely at the photo.

Photo Credit - gettyimages

Isolation (Wisdom of the 12-Steps)

Bottom line: Like the sun's rays, human connection brings life-giving energy. So, reach for the light . . . hope waits there.

I recall an early morning, some years ago, which serves as a stark lesson for me.

I’d arrived on time, 6:30AM, before dawn had wiped away that winter’s morning darkness and the sun’s rays had chance to warm the air. My part-time counseling cohort had followed me into the Methadone Maintenance Clinic by a minute or two.

We may have exchanged hellos, I don’t recall, but he soon launched into his news, “I found a guy laying by the tracks as I came in. Checked him out. He was cold.”

I hadn’t noticed anything amiss as I approached the front door. The clinic and railroad tracks ran along opposite sides of the intervening city street. But then, I’d made a bee-line in order to avoid the cold . . . and the street out front wasn’t lit.

“Dumped?” I said.

“Yeah, probably, after an overdose.”

“Somebody dropped him there, not wanting to be implicated in drug use?” I said. Hurriedly abandoned along a railroad track like a bag of trash, I thought.

“My bet,” he said.

Damn. “What a way to go!”

Working around opioid addicts struggling to get and stay clean, the facility treatment staff were all too aware of the frequency of relapses. Known as “recidivism,” many “patients” turned serial repeaters. Such is the nature of opioid addiction, one of the most difficult of addictions to overcome, as I understand.

I could only appreciate the withdrawal process, never having done it myself. “There, but for the grace of God, go I,” as is frequently said in recovery circles. But, I knew all too well the psychological and emotion difficulties in stopping a drug habit. I’d already worked in residential drug and alcohol rehab facilities for years.

Intense counseling coupled with utilization of 12-Step program meetings offered the best option for those in recovery, as I had come to believe. Once clients “graduated” residential treatment, they were expected to continue out-patient counseling, as well as attendance of 12-Step meetings. However, in the Methadone Clinic out-patient setting, the tenuous leverage we held as staff to drive home the import of 12-Steps program participation, the need for deep introspection and emotional work, became the weak link in the patient’s recovery potential. Most arrived before the birds awakened, got their “doses” of methadone and counselor contact, usually a session of nor more than fifteen minutes before they scooted off to join the morning traffic rush on their way to scattered locations across the SF Bay Area.

Sure, the titrated (decreasing) methadone dosing regime prescribed by the clinic doctor, helped minimize withdrawal symptoms, but even with staff contact and support, relapse was as common as trees in the woods. It wasn’t impossible for a patient to succeed, but many hurdles needed to be negotiated by each patient, such as their physical discomfort and “stinking thinking” when alone. In addition, they’d need to navigate—total avoidance, unlikely—their twenty-four hour, seven-days a week environment filled with the negative peer pressure of using acquaintances or pushers, as well as other daily issues and situations, which likely got them into their predicament in the first place.

Try changing an ingrained routine, even a “simple” one entwined with a deep emotional need, and in the face of a contrary environment.No easy task, “sweat equity” required . . . an absolute necessity.

The most difficult, and disheartening, aspect for me was the work with patients in relationships with other addicts. Picture two drowning individuals clinging to one another. Yet, in the face of their obstacles, their journeys needed to be taken, and I did what I could at each contact and learned to look at the long-term, as each individual’s progress could be slow and fleeting.

So, I wasn’t too surprised to learn that someone’s time had run out.

I wonder now—as I did then—about his life as a parade of questions cross my mind. What passed through his mind as he “nodded off” into oblivion? While sprawled on the cold steel track? My best guess? He’d hoped for, and welcomed, the release from his inner turmoil and psychic pain. Maybe, even longed for the permanent escape through death. I will never know, nor will any of us.

The whole situation quite sad, I wonder if he’d felt cared about or loved . . . or who grieved or marked his loss.

I’m thankful I’d reached out when suicidal, and taken my first step towards recovery from my brand of physic pain and inner turmoil. I recall that isolation vividly. I don’t wish to die enveloped in that isolation, and now know I won’t need to do so. And it’s not that I prefer people suffer my final departure, but expect that some will, contrary to what I say or think. For me, my connection to others and relationship with the universe creates the foundation on which I stand.

The 12-Steps bookend the issue of isolation, and step meetings help counter it. Step One establishes the need to reach out, while Step Twelve emphasizes the importance to continue to do so. All the while meetings, and sponsors, support and assist those in navigating their “stinking thinking” as they work through the steps. (More on sponsors, later.)

Photo Credit: pexels - pixaby

Expectations (Wisdom of the 12-Steps)

Bottom line: “Suit up and show up,” and “Keep coming back.” To a writer that means, Sit down and write, temper your expectations, submit more work and accept the rejections . . . then, rinse and repeat.

Our expectations abound in life. We expect the sun to rise tomorrow, whether we observe it or not. We expect gravity to pull us towards mother earth, even when we prefer it not. We all share a common set of expectations in life. Then, there are expectations less commonly shared.

Here's my encounter with one of mine, to which I suspect you can relate on the general level, if not specifically.

A few months ago, near completion of my website design, I found myself in a funk and wondered, What’s this about? My consultant, Rachel Sarah Thurston, had impressed upon me the importance of branding myself. (Though, heaven forbid, not in the sense of ranch hands tattooing cattle with hot iron!) In a very real way, I'm a novice in branding and marketing myself as a writer, at least in a conscious, deliberate manner presentable as a professional image.

I’m talking “brand,” that which differentiates one company from another, or music band from another, etc. It’s a marketing thing, and essential when you want, you need, to get noticed, to stand out from the crowd and highlight your “product.” We used to refer to brand as "your bag," and expressing yourself as “doing your own thing” or “letting your freak flag fly.” Those phrases passe, now, of course.

But it’s not easy for me to be specific and narrow myself—like voluntarily confining myself in a box—I’m a jack-of-all-trades kinda guy. When it comes to me as “the brand” . . . well, it feels superficial, like I’m trying to convince somebody of my worth. And I HATE that. My inclination is to take a trip to Rantville and cop an attitude, Hey, see me . . . I’m an earthling. Isn’t that f***in’ good enough for ya? But apparently, among the seven-billion others of us, that won’t likely generate interest in reading my work. And I’ve heard you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar! You know, the finesse approach.

So considering the bigger scheme, the long term, I pondered writing a blog about the12-Steps of Recovery, create "brand" around that, along with a theme of hiking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail). But from what angle would I write about the 12-Steps? Would I even need an angle? Been done, that street corner claimed? I’m not saying I’m the end-all, know-all about the 12-Steps of Recovery, but I know a fair amount as a result of working in alcoholism and drug addiction treatment for twenty-five years.

Rachel suggested, “Start your own Facebook group,” among a number of encouragements. (More on this saga at a later date?)

My initial thoughts? Sure, then what? I gotta make rules, manage, monitor, patrol, police my group? I want to live and let live, not chase down bad behavior.

Instead, I searched for Facebook groups regarding the 12-Steps, found several, each with similar rules: no spam, no solicitations, no self-promotions.

Damn . . . can’t use those groups to promote my work? Can’t suggest? Mention? Hint? So, then what?

At a somewhat dead-end, I stumbled onto one group based on sharing humor related to 12-Steps.

I need some levity. Don’t we all, now and then? Oh, what the hell? Yeah, join that one. At least, maybe that one isn’t always serious.

But, joining that FB group didn’t suffice. My inner writer squirmed and my fingers twitched, finally compelling me to sit and write . . . something . . . anything. The realization dawned—step 10, "Continued to take personal inventory. . . ."—my own “stinking thinking” fear of rejection had created my virtual dead-end.

And with that, I inched forward on my healing and writing journey, and posted the first blog of my series on the “Wisdom of the 12-Steps.”

Photo Credit: Pexels - Sergei Akulich