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You don’t have to save me, you

just have to hold my hand

while I save myself.
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As a freelance writer of creative nonfiction, I write to inspire hope for those struggling to heal from trauma. Thanks for reading my posts. If you'd like to read my archived blog posts, use this link.

  • Writer: Connard Hogan
    Connard Hogan
  • Aug 10, 2021
  • 5 min read

Updated: Aug 26, 2022

Bottom Line: It all adds up.


6.1.21


I’d decided, more as a perfectionist than a purist, to “backfill” by hiking the PCT from the Canyon Loop View Trail junction (mile marker 217.7) to the Whitewater Preserve (mile marker 218.5), a section that I’d skipped on my last PCT hike trip.


Confident, though reluctant, I needed to test my knee for tomorrow’s hike with Mark. This short section wouldn’t matter much in the overall length of the PCT’s 2,650 miles, but even a minor gap in my quest would needle me.


Slowly, I headed up the Canyon View Loop Trail incline away from the Whitewater Preserve entrance road. Scrub brush lined the trail, and with no trees to provide shade, I had no escape from the midday sun, except when an occasional cloud patch intervened. With ample water, I’d be okay, though didn’t relish the profuse sweating, prompted by a temperature in the low 80’s, according to my best guess.


Occasional light breezes from the south improved my disposition.


As I ascended the trail’s initial switchbacks, I made frequent stops to catch my breath and face the wind with outstretched arms.


As I topped the first hill, and completed the major portion of the day’s elevation gain, I met another hiker headed the opposite direction.


I guess neither of us had the wherewithal to banter under the blazing sun and so we exchanged cursory pleasantries before we moved on.


Beyond, the trail undulated in a gentle fashion as it paralleled a cliff.


Overlooking the Whitewater River and Preserve Headquarters.


The oasis of trees and pools of water, that I’d walked away from so recently, beckoned like the inside of a refrigerator.


I trudged along at a pace to avoid over-heating, while Prim8 chattered constantly about the heat and sweat. Though my ample water supply turned tepid and unsatisfying, I drank out of necessity to replace that fluid I’d already lost. Meanwhile, I imagined warm tea a suitable alternative.


Knee check. All good.


Another half-mile or so of modest elevation gain, I came to the PCT junction where I paused for a photo op, then headed northbound on the PCT towards the parking lot and my awaiting car . . . I hoped.


Deja vu - Trail Junction, PCT northbound on the left & Canyon Loop View Trail on the right.


This time I remained on the PCT and welcomed the gentle switch-backs leading downhill to the river, this section comprising the entire point of the day’s hike.


Two hours later, I discovered my chariot awaited me . . . thankfully.


Not far down the road from the Headquarters, I encountered the hiker previously mentioned. I offered him a ride to “civilization,” and on the way he explained he’d taken the wrong turn at the junction.


Bummer. “I’d have told you otherwise, had I known,” I told him. He didn’t seem that put out over it, though.


As planned, I drove to Big Bear for a rendezvous with Mark for our hike tomorrow.


6.2.21


I wouldn’t dare repeat the debacle of my last hike with Mark, and spent a decent night’s rest in the same hotel as he.


Following a Lumberjack Cafe breakfast, we left Mark’s car at the road junction with PCT about ¾ mile south of Arrastre Trail Camp, then I drove us down the deeply-rutted, rock-strewn road, marked for OHV traffic, “Off-highway Vehicle,” to Mission Creek Trail Camp at mile 239.9.


Properly “suited up,” both us with a day-pack primarily loaded with water, we began our hike “north” about 10 AM. Tree cover kept us cool at our start, though as we hiked, shrubs and grasses increased and the trees disappeared. I baked me under nearly full sun, as thin, scattered clouds drifted overhead.


Overlooking the terrain southward with San Jacinto in the distance.


Like yesterday, Prim8 reminded me.


We’re just a lizard, Prim8, sprawled and basking on a rock.


My feet complained—bionic knee quiet, no problem—surely a sign of developing blisters.


Keep going, Prim8. We got no other choice.


I wiped my forehead periodically, noticing my perspiration soaked my hat band. (You didn’t think I’d take Prim8 and myself out there without a hat, did ya’?)


I trudged onward. Mark seemed fine as he kept a fast pace farther up the trail.


We reached my car late afternoon, Prim8 and I caked with the residue of dried sweat and dust.


After I gingerly navigated my Camry down the “OHV” track to retrieve Mark’s car, we rendezvoused at the Hacienda Restaurant in Big Bear for a Mexican dinner, eagerly washed down with several cold draft beers.


6.3.21


Following bacon, eggs and coffee at the Lumberjack Restaurant, Mark and I dropped my car at Hwy 18 parking lot junction with PCT, mile 266.1, then left Mark’s car at the same spot as yesterday, near Arrastre Trail Camp and PCT mile 256.2.


Rinse, repeat . . . slowly adding mileage to my PCT journey.


Panoramic view from a welcomed shaded spot looking towards Lucerne & Johnson Valleys.


We enjoyed scattered shade early on, though gradually, taller vegetation left behind, we entered a zone of shrubs, more reminiscent of the low desert of Anza-Borrego.


More sweat, more sun, more heat, more foot complaints.


Hot, sweat, sun, Prim8 whined.


No shade, even if we try to squeeze under a bush, Prim8 . . . but this won’t last forever.


As per, we kept moving. The miles ticked away, then the quarter-miles. And I transitioned to shorter segments, Another hundred-yards, Prim8.


Our destination not in sight, yet, Another hundred yards, Prim8.


When my car came into sight, I sighed with relieve, We’re here, Prim8.


Two hikers examined the mile marker as I passed them on a beeline to my car. They approached Mark and I as we loaded our gear into my trunk.


Following a brief exchange, Mark offered them a ride into “Big Bear.”


Though in my car, I didn’t complain. We dropped them at a road junction with a store where they could purchase food.


Mark said, “I always try to help people out.”


“No problem,” I said. “I figure it’s good karma to help other hikers. A number of trail angels helped me on my hike from the Mexican Border and I’m passing it forward.”


After another cautious navigation of a “OHV road”—not an exaggeration—we descended into Arrastre Trail Camp to pick up Mark’s vehicle.


Whopped, I wanted to get home. Besides, Mark and I both knew we faced hours of driving, so we wasted no time sorting our gear, exchanging goodbyes with added comments about our next adventure.


I mistakenly drove into San Bernadino. Wanted to avoid “Berdoo,” but missed my turn onto CA State Route 138. Looked, but still missed it, and I coulda chewed nails. Prim8 and I spent added time wading through Berdoo rush-hour traffic before we arrived at Pearblossom Highway and veered westward towards Palmdale.


(My accumulated PCT progress: mile marker 266.1.)

  • Writer: Connard Hogan
    Connard Hogan
  • Jul 20, 2021
  • 4 min read

Updated: Aug 26, 2022


Bottom Line: Even a pandemic can't keep a hiker "down."


11.3.20 -

COVID still raging in the US, Mark Reinhardt and I nevertheless had ants in our shorts, and since we both agreed to abide by the recommended precautions, our strong respective needs overcame any reservations to rendezvous at Whitewater Preserve, near Palm Springs.

On my COVID (corona vacation in-doors) breakout hike, I left my car at the graveled parking area at mile 211.6, mid-morning, under clear sky, headed north and “up canyon” on the PCT. I had hours to cover the six-to-seven-mile stretch before Mark would arrive at Whitewater Preserve. Besides, fingers crossed, I needed to test my bionic knee, implanted July 2019.

With mild elevation gain, slow and steady progress over the next few hours took me to the trail junction to Canyon View Loop.


Canyon Loop View Trail junction with PCT.


When I came to the proverbial fork in the road . . . I took it, veered right onto Canyon Loop View Trail and descended to the Whitewater Preserve entrance road.

By 4 PM, or so, I reached the road and stretched out where a tree shaded the road’s gentle-sloped gravel shoulder. There, I snoozed off and on while I waited for Mark to arrive on his way from work.

In preparation for our next day’s hike, we performed a vehicle shuffle, retrieved my car and left Mark's near the Preserve Headquarters, then proceeded to the Hacienda Mexican Restaurant in Big Bear for dinner . . . and draft beers.


11.4.20 -

Mark slept comfortably in a hotel room, I presumed, while I spent a miserable night in the back of my Toyota Camry.

By early morning, my ordeal had provided me sufficient motivation to get onto the trail, anything an improvement over remaining in my half-trunk-half-rear-seat bed.

Breakfast consumed at the Lumberjack Cafe in Big Bear, we traversed the “OHV,” Off Highway Vehicle, road to Mission Creek Trail Camp, PCT mile 239.9.

The morning air still chilly in the shade, we headed south and down-slope towards Whitewater Preserve. Tree cover soon disappeared, as charred remains of trees blanketed the surrounding area, and with no cloud cover, the air rapidly warmed.


Connard, with evidence of fire damage in the background .


Sparse green shrubs dotted the landscape as a sign of early regeneration.


Prim8 made himself known, Downhill good.

Agreed, Prim8, I responded.

When we stopped for a half-hour lunch break, Prim8 and I shared a cheese-chunk along with a slice of bread and salami, then dried fruit.

As the day wore on, and Mark hiked ahead of Prim8 and I, my questions and doubts arose, then increased as foot blisters made themselves known. My joints and muscles ached, as well.

I’d guessed we neared our destination, as the terrain flattened somewhat and the valley widened.

Though not that far ahead, I saw Mark stopped at a trail junction.

Referring to his map as I pulled alongside, he said, “We have another four-and-a-half-miles to go.”

“What?” I said. “How could that be?”

Ain’t so, Prim8 said.

“Yeah,” Mark said. “We head west from here. We’ll have hiked twenty-four-and-a-half miles today.”

We’d expected to be finished at this distance, about twenty miles. Though clearly, nowhere near running water, something was amiss and the map indicated the Whitewater lay two ridges to our west.

Crap. I’m knackered.

Prim8 whined, Quit.

Can’t do that, fella. Dusk is coming and we want to get out here without a major problem, though I wanted to sit for a long rest.

We’d never traversed this trail and getting lost in the dark wouldn’t help our situation!

“How ‘bout, I just wait here for you?” I said to Mark, understanding that absurdity.

Mark chuckled.

Without reasonable alternative, Prim8 and I followed Mark westward, while we fessed up to not studying the trail maps before our hike. I’d assumed the trail distance would be a simple matter of arithmetic, subtract point A from point B. So, much for that assumption.

Wearing a headlamp, I plodded forward on leaden feet, while blisters complained and calve muscles griped, and my progress slowed as the darkness overtook us.

“We probably should stay together at this point, Mark,” I yelled, utmost caution in mind.

He slowed his pace and I caught up.

We lost the PCT trial where it crossed the Whitewater River, instead, worked our way down the river bed. At least, the white noise of running water soothed me—at least, I wouldn’t die of thirst—and I didn’t need to fight off mosquitoes.

Prim8 and I stumbled over and around boulders, as I kept an eye on Mark’s head light, looking for signs of any problems he may encounter.

Just a little farther, I reminded Prim8. Just a little farther.

When Mark finally veered to the far bank of the river, we reached a well-trod path.

“Must be the PCT,” Mark said.

“Yeah,” I said, relieved that we on smoother, easier footing.

“I’ve been looking for the reflection off the signs,” he explained.

My distance countdown grew more earnest, ticking off the miles, then reduced to the quarter-miles, until we reached a trail junction sign, where I sat down.


Connard rests at the PCT-Whitewater Headquarters Trail junction.

“About a half-mile to go,” Mark said.

“Ugh,” I said, though relieved we knew what distance remained. Not knowing had gnawed at me. Usually does.

After my brief rest, I resumed my internal pep-talk countdown, as if I could teleport to Mark's car. Another hundred yards, Prim8. Crossing the river on a foot bridge, Prim8. Close now, Prim8. Mark's car in sight. One-hundred feet . . . twenty, ten, nine. . . .

Mark drove us back to my car at Mission Creek Trail Camp . . . while I recuperated.

“Spending the night in Big Bear?” I asked him.

“No, I’m heading straight back,” Mark said. “I need to work tomorrow.”

I took an unplanned circuitous route back to the hotel where Mark had spent the previous night and booked a room. I didn’t trust remaining awake on my drive home.


(Prim8's accumulated PCT progress: mile marker 239.9.)

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